Update

• Sworn-in in NY
• Somehow I passed the CA Bar Exam
• So far taking bar exams has been the most lawyerly thing I have done since graduation

Bar Bomb!

I am going into day 3 of absolutely bombing the California Bar.

But this being the February Bar, I am in the company of so many failures that I don't feel too bad about my poor bar performance. Many conversations at my test center involve people listing the number of bars they have failed and how many times they have failed the California Bar. People in California are very open about their failures.

I have a lot of time to eavesdrop on other people's conversations because I have no friends at the testing center. The most conversation I have all day is with my test-table-buddy. We talk about how I should be embracing life before I am married with children and how it doesn't matter if I fail the CA Bar because I "have no life out here." I thought my test-table-buddy friendship was going pretty well until we started talking about how an elderly white female proctor was treating a middle-aged black male proctor. My test-table-buddy observed that the elderly white female proctor was very mean to the middle-aged black male proctor, following him around and berating him for handing out test booklets too slowly. I added that her treatment of the man was reminiscent of an overseer/slave relationship. My addition was not appreciated and I worry I destroyed my blossoming test-table-buddy friendship.

The person I talk to most after my test-table-buddy(?) is my proctor. My proctor is the NICEST man. He likes to come to my seat and have whispered conversations with me while the test is in progress. When I raise my hand an hour before time is called to tell him I am done, he says affirming things like, "When can I call you Esquire," and "You must really know your stuff to be done so soon!" No, Sir. I do not. Today, when I finished my afternoon MBE (probably too) early, he flipped through my test booklet, and then said, "I guess you read them all." Sort of!

Here is what I spend most of my test-taking time doing: alternating between internal laughter and deep despair. Laughter because this exam is nonsense and I cannot believe I am subjecting myself to it and despair because this exam is nonsense and I cannot believe I am subjecting myself to it. Yesterday, one of my best sentences read: "X is unavailable because she is dead." Because I know no rules, I am focusing on very clearly spelling out the facts for these bar examiners in hopes that they respect my reading comprehension skills.

The worst part of this bar exam is how time-consuming it is for how little effort I seem to be putting into it. I have to wake up at 5:30 a.m. to leave at 6:00 a.m. and then return home around 6:30 p.m. to eat nutella by the handful before I fall asleep unprepared for the next day. I try to give myself pep talks during the test to improve my focus. However, I don't find myself very inspiring and so inevitably leave the test early to go read O Magazine at a nearby Starbucks for two hours before the next test session begins.

At least tomorrow is the last day! I also secretly hope that this exam is 90% showing up. I can never remember the requisite percentage of that "showing up" phrase, so I just use the percentage from the phrase "90% perspiration, 10% inspiration." I wonder if that perspiration phrase is also applicable to my situation. While I perspired not at all in preparing for this test, I am really sweating my imminent failure.

They Got More Bounce in California

Officials

1) Officially in the "Application Pending" phase of my New York Bar admission, which is lawyer code for "passed the bar, but my character is still in question until my friends notarize some forms for me."

a. Thus far, my friends have been much more effusive in their praise of me than my traditional legal employers, who offer statements such as, "In my brief contact with Applicant, she never gave me reason to question her moral character." *blush*

2) Officially registered for the February 2012 California Bar Exam.

a. Why is this exam so expensive?

3) Officially soft-registered for Themis's California Bar Course. When I say "soft-register," I mean that I had an online chat with a sales representative who added the course to my account at a, still overpriced, alumni rate. I allowed this to happen after I was assured that no money was due up front.

a. "Buy now, pay later," has always worked out well for me in the past. See Law School.

A Glimpse into the Future

In the spirit of my post-law school life, here is a melodramatic quote from a (very good!) book I just finished called Q: A Novel by Evan Mandery:

"'[P]rofessors decline to mention the most complicating detail about what happens after you graduate from law school: you have to be a lawyer.

'At that point, you can forget about public policy and doing justice. The moment you receive your diploma you become a lackey, whose job is to sift through boxes of documents and research obscure points of law, and take calls at three in the morning on a Sunday from some client in China who can’t remember the time difference. And when he calls, you can’t say, ‘Who do you think you are, it’s three o’clock in the fucking morning!’ You say, ‘Yes sir, what do you need me to do and by when do you need it?"

'The job is like a noose. Only you can't kick the chair out from under you and end it in an instant. It gets progressively tighter, but incrementally and so slowly that you hardly notice the change, until one day you realize that you cannot breathe anymore and you ask yourself, how did this happen? You are choking on your life, and there's no way out.'"

Eastward Bound

After a month-long respite in California, I am returning to the hurriquake ravaged East Coast to pursue my post-law school fortune. I am fortunate in that I have been granted a 6-month reprieve, in the form of a fellowship, from the world of permanent employment.

Hopefully, this period of limbo will allow me to find a job that I do not instantly wish to quit. Perhaps it will allow me to study for the California Bar Exam. Most likely, it will allow me to make questionable, counterproductive life choices, such as emulating the hairstyle of this woman of Ms. Universe, Project Runway, and sex tape fame:



I think it could be moderately professional when paired with a pencil skirt.

All-Access Pass

One bar down, indeterminate number to go/retake.